The Challenge of Forgiveness

I just finished reading a section of the book, The Broken Heart: Applying the Atonement to Life’s Experiences, and felt like I want to share something that Bruce C. Hafen teaches. He his talking about forgiveness in cases of abuse from parents to children. He talks about the “transitional figure”…someone in the family line who decides to halt “the process” that occurs through generations (a process of parents abusing their children because those parents went through the same thing with their parents) “by simply absorbing, rather than passing along the current of harm. ‘Instead of seeking retribution, one learns to absorb pain, to be forgiving, to try to reconcile with forebears, and then become a generator of positive change in the next generation.’”

I really enjoy this section because it shows the power of forgiveness in a situation where forgiveness might be one of the hardest things to find.

He illustrates this through a story “of a young woman whose therapist encouraged her to place herself in such a transitional role, temporarily setting aside years of bitter feelings toward the father who had abused her…she…’went home.’ There, rather than confronting her father again over the pain he had caused her, she simply spent time with him, learning about his identity and experiences, including tape-recording and transcribing her interviews. Her therapist reported that this became ‘a gentle experience occurring in a forgiving atmosphere,’ and it ‘caused a dramatic reconciliation between the woman and her father,’ helping him ‘to face certain realities he had never faced.’”

He then goes on…

“Those who would become transitional figures confront the question about human nature raised so powerfully in Shakespeare’s Hamlet: should one forgive being wronged or seek to avenge the wrong? As Hamlet became convinced of the identity of his father’s murderer, his question was: ‘To be or not to be?’ Could he, more educated and reflective than most, muster the moral strength to offer mercy, rising above the typical impulse to seek revenge? Would he extend mercy unto forgiveness absorbing great injustice—or would he, like most others, simply avenge it?

Whether ‘tis nobler in the mind to suffer

The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune

Or to take arms against a sea of troubles

And by opposing, end them.

Then again, would Hamlet really ‘end’ the chain of harm by ‘opposing’ it? The blood-soaked stage at the end of Hamlet tells us that his choice to seek vengeance only extended the outrageous fortune. But true transitional figures find ways to absorb and suffer the slings and arrows—and thereby stop their intergenerational flow.”

I like to see this as an example to me of how forgiveness can heal rifts ripped between families and friendships…even in the situation of abuse. My goal is to personally be able to forgive others. I don’t want to fall as Hamlet did when he sought for vengeance instead of healing.